I Need Help

I'm sitting here in bed too terrified to sleep because my little girl has a fever and I am scared she may have the puke bug. Puking is one of my biggest fears so it's ten fold when it comes to the kids. I know it's irrational to be this way but I can't help it. Hell I'm only writing this to distract myself from an impending panic attack.

It hit me though, I think I have PTSD. Can you get it from years of nothing but death in your life? I mainly mean my sister (technically SIL but she was married to my brother since I was 5, so she is just my sister to me) but add my Daddy to that too. I think she is why I freak over. Puking because that is how her death started, granted she had an underlying disease we didn't know about ... but anyone could.

I also lived in fear for fourteen years that Daddy would die. No joke, every single year they would tell us he didn't have much time left and he was always in the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I'm greatful for those years but they took a toll on me.

My nephew died when I was 11 and that was such a confusing time for me, and scary ... and I'm pretty sure the beginning of my trauma. I think I need help, I'm a mess right now.

I wrote this on my phone, so sorry it's shit.

Huh

I suck at blogging, obviously.

Sorry for party rockin'

Now stop...

Hatin' is bad. :)

I will do this

Two things. One; I need to blog for my own sanity. I can *write* a post in my head, then come to actually write it and I freeze up and just can't seem to do it.

Two; stop pulling out my damn lashes and brows. I look ridiculous trying to hide it with make-up and I feel ugly. I've done this since I was 5 so I have no idea how to stop. I thought about therapy but don't feel comfortable with that right now, which means it probably won't help. So maybe a picture of the damage will scare me into recovery?

I have horrible grammer and can't write for shit, especially on my phone ... so if you care (or don't) sorry.

Also, I am now 28 ... that blows.

No, Yes, No

I am not a blogger. I just can't ever seem to do it. I'm too flaky of a person online and off to do it. I've surprised myself at how not open of a person I am anymore, when I used to be. Nothing has happened to make me this way I don't think, just more flakiness.

Drowning.

That's me.

I can't say it enough, FML!

Oh I am just so over it right now. Over being married, over sickness ... just oooooooooover it. If my husband doesn't stop talking to me like a dog, no scratch that he talks to the dogs better ... yeah, gone.

The in-laws visit was good though, and we all miss Nanny. We are getting over a nasty ass bug we got when she was here. Oh yeah, I set fire to my kitchen today. No husband I don't feel bad at all for making my poor babies cry seeing a blazing fire going up to the ceiling, not at all .. please make me feel worse. Whatever life.