Sorry for party rockin'

Now stop...

Hatin' is bad. :)

I will do this

Two things. One; I need to blog for my own sanity. I can *write* a post in my head, then come to actually write it and I freeze up and just can't seem to do it.

Two; stop pulling out my damn lashes and brows. I look ridiculous trying to hide it with make-up and I feel ugly. I've done this since I was 5 so I have no idea how to stop. I thought about therapy but don't feel comfortable with that right now, which means it probably won't help. So maybe a picture of the damage will scare me into recovery?

I have horrible grammer and can't write for shit, especially on my phone ... so if you care (or don't) sorry.

Also, I am now 28 ... that blows.

No, Yes, No

I am not a blogger. I just can't ever seem to do it. I'm too flaky of a person online and off to do it. I've surprised myself at how not open of a person I am anymore, when I used to be. Nothing has happened to make me this way I don't think, just more flakiness.

Drowning.

That's me.

I can't say it enough, FML!

Oh I am just so over it right now. Over being married, over sickness ... just oooooooooover it. If my husband doesn't stop talking to me like a dog, no scratch that he talks to the dogs better ... yeah, gone.

The in-laws visit was good though, and we all miss Nanny. We are getting over a nasty ass bug we got when she was here. Oh yeah, I set fire to my kitchen today. No husband I don't feel bad at all for making my poor babies cry seeing a blazing fire going up to the ceiling, not at all .. please make me feel worse. Whatever life.

Vacation

Well, if you can call it that. My husband will be on vacation next week, I swear if his boss bothers him at all I will go ape shit on the man. He's been working from home most of this week because his mother and her boyfriend are here from England visiting. Actually at the moment they are in Memphis and Nashville tomorrow, then back here Saturday. It was only fair for them to go do stuff since Leighton had to work. The kids are loving them to death though, I am so happy about that because I thought for sure the kids would be little monsters and not even be friendly with them. Not sure what all we will do next week, not much I suppose ... just shop?

I feel ugly. I really want to get a way out there hair cut, but I'm scared and my husband doesn't want me to get it done til May. I hate waiting. I will probably chicken out, I hope I don't. I NEED something different in my life.

Will I ever get over this?

"Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on" - Linkin Park

The answer is: NO

Design THIS

Ugh, bear with me while I try to make my blog not look so shitty. I'm not smart enough to do anything but use blogger's design editor. I used to be smart ... what happened? Oh right, kids and husbands and death and crazy people and apparently this fibro shit.

Shortest. Post. Ever.

Fibromyalgia

Wow, can I get a break? Nope. Now I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia along with the high cholesterol. Lovely. At least it explains the weird memory loss I'm having, although I've had pregnancy brain since my first child this is way worse. So now I know it's nothing scary, just painful body aches mostly. I have muscle relaxers for it but I'm not so sure about them yet, I will give them a few days to see if I want to stay on them. My doc wants to change my zoloft as well to see if that helps (fibro goes hand in hand with depression sometimes), this makes me nervous but if it can help I'll do it.

I'm still sick, the kids are still snotty but seem to be getting over our 3rd sickness since January. I feel like mine started to go away but has now come back so it may take me longer to get over this. I go back next week for more blood tests, yay me. We are gonna take the kids to see a rocket and some airplanes tomorrow so that should be fun!

Fuck you snot.

I. Am. So. Sick. Of. Snot. SERIOUSLY. The kids and I have been sick since January. Three times so far. We get better then sick again. London seems to be the worst this time, the first and second time it was poor Logi. I could care less about me I just want them to feel better. I mean at least it's not puking (knock on wood) but I still hate seeing them like this.

My mother-in-law and her boyfriend are coming at the end of this month to visit for two weeks, I'm excited for the kids to meet her. I just hope we can all get better by then.

Blah blah blah

Life is hectic. I have high cholesterol and now a nasty bladder infection. I'm hoping when I go back in March my cholesterol will be normal and it was just a fluke. I have antibiotics for the bladder infection. Spent the whole day at the ER yesterday. Had a cat-scan to check for kidney stones, thankfully none. I hope these antibiotics don't give me some nasty shits.

It's warmer than normal so that's nice. Hoping to take the kids to the park one day soon. I don't really have much to say, I feel depressed. BLAH

wii fit

Ok so this isn't as easy as I thought it'd be, ha. It hurt my back and left me breathless and I barely did anything! Also can't do it with my husband around because he yells at me for doing stuff wrong. Reminded me of learning to drive and my daddy yelling at me like a nutcase for nothing. It says I'm underweight and I am, but my stomach still needs help.

We are supposed to go grocery shopping but now he's on it so who knows. I hope the kids are good again today because I didn't sleep very well.

Sorry

I apologize for my last post, I was a mess last night. Today has been nice though, we went shopping and got London her Easter dress and got us a wii fit. Hopefully it helps us lose a little weight.

The kids have been really good today too so that's been good.

Two Years

Two years ago today I picked you up and saw blood and I knew this was it, you were leaving me for good. Us for good. We took you to the hospital. I was so sad but relieved that this horrible week of death for you was over. I gave you medicine for any pain you might of had. Sometimes I wonder if it was a blessing or a curse to be the only one you would take anything from. Your last words were you yelling at the nurse for touching you. I saw you dying and got the nurse to tell her you were about to go and left the number for the funeral home for her. Then went to be with you and everyone to wait for you to die. I hate myself for being the leader that week. The strong one? Yeah right. Giving you your medicine and making the decisions. I should have just grieved. It gets worse everyday. I miss you crazy old man.

Oh, and the love you showed for Momma that week, it broke my heart but in a good way. If that makes sense.

Blood

Had some blood tests today, I still have to go get my girlie parts checked out though. I'm sure if it was something serious it would show up in my initial blood work? I dunno anything about all this. I'm convinced I have some form of girlie cancer. I'm sure I don't but I'm paranoid.

We got our taxes back but we can't use it on anything fun. Just bills and oil changes, blah. I want to go to Disney World but London is just too young. I'm thinking when she's 4 and he's 5, I just hate waiting because I really want to gooooooooooo. I love it there.

My mother has found a girl she went to school with (like 40/50 years ago) that was her best friend. She hasn't seen her in like 30 something years. Funny thing is they lived 15 minutes apart for the past 8 years and didn't even know it. Also, my brother gave his gf Alicia a ring ... I'm not sure if it's a promise ring or engagement. First they said promise then Christmas they said engagement but a really long one. So who knows.

whateverIamsooverit

Over what? I dunno, just it. Whatever it is.

I am lonely and sad and about to lose it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm going in for blood tests tomorrow, if nothing is off with them then maybe I need to ask for a higher dose of my meds or maybe I need new ones? I dunno. Life sucks.

Go away Feburary ...

I feel like I'm drowning in Feburary and it's only the 2nd day. The further away from the day you died, the worse it seems to hurt. Watching Momma be alone hurts. Knowing I can't hug you hurts. Watching my kids grow up hurts. I just all hurts.

Then I think about Momma dying, what will I do then? Go crazy? Yes. I have no doubt I'll need to be checked in somewhere for a while. I wish I believed in something so I could feel comfort in knowing  you two would be together then, but I don't. I don't even think that would help, would it? I remember people saying it wasn't normal for me to always want to be with y'all when I was little and a teen. Maybe they were right, because I am paying for it now.